Sunday, December 30, 2012

Persistence and Deception


When God spoke to my heart about confronting and overcoming my addiction to food I weighed 216 lbs. It was the tail end of November and I wasn’t quite ready to give up the delicious holiday foods this year.

First, I tried to dismiss it, no way was it that serious. Addiction?  IT’S JUST FOOD!  So I like a good ice cream every so often, surely that’s not that bad… But the “every so often” became once a week, then once a day, and then sometimes more often. Over the next few weeks God showed me just how serious my problem was.  I ate when I wasn’t hungry, once I was full I kept eating, and even the thought of food consumed me.  I would crave food (when not hungry) as badly as I had craved nicotine as a previous smoker.  Ahh, I was beginning to see it, and it was serious.

Somewhere along the road, I had made food important, not necessary.  I gave food more of a place in my life than it deserved; it was an idol.  I felt guilty when I would eat during a craving because I knew that it wasn’t about fueling my body so much as about giving in to the desire, whenever it was, and whatever for. I had no ability to say ‘no’ to food.

This journey I’m on didn’t start because one day I decided I wanted to lose a bunch of weight. It didn’t start because I asked God to help me lose weight. I think if it had been up to me, I would probably have complained a bit, went on another crash diet then gave up a few weeks into it with a shrug. Luckily this time it wasn’t up to me.  I literally felt like God was telling me that He’d had enough; that He had a better plan for me. It was a process over weeks of God preparing my heart and mind to see food differently and then to seek HIM in this trial.

I think it all started with a casual conversation between friends.  My girlfriend Jilian told me that she’s been having terrible cravings for weeks, so she did a bible study on cravings and what she learned helped her put her food cravings into perspective. 

That conversation stuck with me over the past few years and I thought that I would really like to do a bible study on food and eating. I’ve loved my studies since becoming a Christian, and the Word is so much more rich, alive and applicable than I would have ever believed.  So, for the last few years, I’ve been searching for such a study. It never occurred to me that I could just make my own until I read Lysa TerKeurst’s book “Made to Crave”.  She mentioned reading the bible from food perspective, so that’s just what I started doing.

Can I just say, WOW!!!  I’m blown away by what it says about eating and food, even in just the first three chapters! I’m not going to go into as much detail about that here as I would like because I think  that each person should read it for themselves but I do have to mention one of the things that was so striking to me that I couldn’t even believe it said it so plainly. Gen 3:13 ‘..The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate”. ‘The text could have said, “The serpent in the garden deceived me about the fruit being good for wisdom and that I wouldn’t die so I ate the fruit because I wanted wisdom” or something even more exact and specific but it doesn’t.  If it did, it wouldn’t be quite so helpful in today’s world because that only speaks to its specific situation.  I doubt that I’m ever going to be in a garden talking to a snake so I can just gloss over that part… But that’s not what it says.

 “The serpent deceived me and I ate.”

Watching TV tonight with this verse in mind has opened me up to a whole new way of seeing things. There were about a dozen food commercials, and in each one of them, instead of saying that the food would nourish your body and sate your hunger, they conveyed their marketing message with emotion instead. Picture it: cream cheese would knit your family closer together as you bake together, chocolate would make you mysterious and desirable, chicken strips would make you more sociable, and on and on. Just eat this and your life will be better…Indeed, “the serpent deceived me and I ate.”

We’ve been lied to about food from the beginning! But I’ve got a secret weapon: now, I know that it’s happening. My eye’s have been opened and I’ve got a God that is not just a ‘set it and forget it” kind of God.  He did not speak the universe into existence to just leave it. He’s still here, caring about the smallest details. Yes, even the food we eat.

I weighed myself this morning… and I’m happy to say the scales showed 207.  Next time I’ll talk about how that happened, but for now I’d like to leave you with a question: what’s your biggest craving and why?  

Thursday, December 27, 2012

A little background...

I'm not at all sure how to start this blog off, so I'll explain a bit about myself first. This isn't the beginning, but where I will start my story.

My name is Constance, and I'm addicted to eating.  Not necessarily good food, just... food. Lots of it. Often.

K & I in June of 2008

I've been an obsessive eater all my life. Many childhood memories include me sneaking food in the middle of the night and when others aren't looking; ice cream at grandma's, pudding at dad's, brownie mix at mom's... I thought about food, how to get more food, and how to hide my food.

My weight has fluctuated but it was never too bad. I've been heavy, but not more than a size 16 at any one time (I'm 5'7"). This year was hard on me- in the tail end of June, I hit 200 lbs. I've flirted with it before, but always prided myself on never actually crossing over that mark. Well, there it was, staring at me in cold digital numbers: 200.6 lbs. 

My husband and I went on a crash diet, cutting out all carbs and doing a detox simultaneously so that I could lose a few pounds before I went to a convention in the middle of July where I knew I would be on stage - my image broadcast to thousands of women on the jumbo-tron.  But, it didn't work; I hadn't lost any weight- and I'd actually gained enough that the clothes I brought with me didn't fit when I needed to wear them.  Not, "boy, that's tight on her" but rather, I couldn't even zip them up. So we hit a Ross and I had to buy couple outfits to get me through the week.  I laughed it off, made it a funny experience but when I stopped by the restroom, despair swallowed me up. I felt like I was struggling to swim in the ocean, currents and the rip tide grabbed me, pulling me under and I could barely keep my head above water.  I was not in control. 

I was quickly disgusted with myself. Again. I thought, maybe if I had someone to do it with me, to hold me accountable, I would actually follow a diet.. this time.

That week my husbands employer began a "biggest loser" contest and spouses could enter as well.  I thought that was the answer so we entered. Twelve weeks of a weekly check in and I gained weight nearly every single week. My husband too, and why not? We both ate the same thing, moved in sync and what happens to one of us happens to both. By the end of the weight loss competition I gained 14 lbs. 

K & I with Kate Reigler (aka Lucifer) in Dec 2012
What I'm about to say next some of you will get, others, will wonder if I'm crazy, but: God spoke to me. He spoke to my heart and promised to heal me of this addiction if I let him.  I'm weeping as I write this because it was heart-wrenching for me. 

So, this is where I start my blog. It's not a fad diet and it won't be a quick fix, but it will be a chronicle of what I'm dealing with as I let God change my heart and mind. It has already been a journey unlike any other and as much as I want to keep it secret, He's told me to bring it to the light. Again, I'm crying; I do NOT want to tell everyone about my struggles with food and my weight. 

Thank you for reading, I hope that what you've found here is a blessing to you or someone you know, even if you don't share my struggles.  If you're wondering how you can encourage me, please comment below and tell me what is running through your mind. I know that this issue is not mine alone! 

Rules on comments: If it is not helpful, kind or encouraging- it will be deleted. :)