Hungry is a blessing?

I'm not hungry often enough. 

This is a hard one for me to admit because, who wants to actually BE hungry? Our nation actually prides itself on solving hunger for the world (or trying to).  We fund food programs for other countries, we subsidize school lunch, breakfast, and snacks so kids don't go hungry, and set up food banks & kitchens to provide meals to the least of these. We spend so much time focusing on preventing/solving hunger that we lose sight of what it is. 

Deut 8:3-5 "He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord." 

I hope you caught that, because I sure missed it for ages.  He lets us be hungry. How many times have WE let ourselves be hungry? I know that in our house, it's something that needs to be rectified IMMEDIATELY. Saying, "I'm kinda hungry" is tantamount to "stop what your doing and let's figure this out" and all of our focus goes to correcting it. 

I understand that there are people that are underfed, undernourished and chronically suffering from it, and I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about those of us who have felt hard times, but have predominately lived in such amazing abundance that we've forgotten what it feels like to really be hungry. 

And, yet that is how God desires us to be. I'm trying to wrap my head around this and as dinner time comes and goes I'm thinking about what that would mean for my life. What would I be like if I didn't race to grab a snack as soon as I felt like my tummy was empty. Would I be healthier? I probably would! Maybe, just maybe I'd stop being a slave to food. 

I can tell you that I'm not looking forward to finding out. I feel like I'm on the verge of something that will change my life, and honestly I'm scared to just go for it. Sometimes it seems like my big girl panties just aren't big enough to handle all that. But, I know that I will not find peace until I'm obedient to His voice, and honestly, what God says about food is so clear- that it's NOT about food at all, but about honoring Him... getting closer to Him and learning to rely on HIM. 

Based on a conversation with my sweet hubby today we've decided that we're going to start fasting. And, before you are all like: fasting?! WHAATTT??? It means to go a period of time without eating. We all "fast" between meals (ideally) but I've never tried to make it the "end goal". Fasting seems to be marketed wrongly today. I'm not talking about days, or even one whole day, but to maybe go a solid 8 hours for starters. Too many times I've thought it was about denying yourself food to lose weight, but it's really the exercise of control over yourself, and of gaining peace.  Does that make any sense?  We haven't made concrete plans about how we're going to do this but I must say, I'm happy that my hubby was the one to suggest it. Sometimes I feel like I have these hair-brained ideas and he just goes along with it, so it's nice that he gets crazy sometimes too. 

With the whole journey of facing my food addiction is hope that I come out the other side with a completely different mindset on hunger -vs- nourishment. For instance, today at lunch, I asked K if he thought that his lunches were selected to nourish his body or to stop feeling hungry. I think that I'll elaborate on that next time. I feel that I have said enough on the topic today. 

As my weight stands, I'm 203# today and pretty satisfied with my progress. It's not as much about the number on the scale as it is my heart and mind, but I know that soon, my new insides will be matched by a smaller outside.

It Wasn't Me

Imagine a world where you didn't crave food and drink.

Are you doing it? I'm going to guess that you are. What does it look like for you? How would your day go? What would being crave-free change for you? Are you wishing that you could get there-if only you had a rocket ship to this crazy happy place.

Guess what?! I'm currently living in that world! For real. It's weird here because it doesn't look ANYTHING like I thought it would (no Bob Ross "happy little tree's" for starters). If you are sitting in disbelief, I completely understand and will try to explain. 

Here on "no longer Constantly Craving" there are basically two things I didn't anticipate. Ok, three if you throw in the fact that naming a blog is sorta like getting a tattoo with someone's name or face: God has a sense of humor and it just may be the fastest way out. I digress.

First, there wasn't a radical change in my body. Turns out those rock hard abs take more than wishes to achieve. I have a friend that is a workout junkie and I love following her on facebook, the highway, the grocery store - though to be frank, she probably isn't aware of the the last two. She seems to only ever require beer and bacon to survive outside of a grueling workout that leaves her bruised and throwing up occasionally (I'm taking liberties here, it's probably the beer a yeast allergy making her vomit) and I can get caught up in thinking how easy it must be for her, because she's so fit. That, it's like rolling a medicine ball down a hill. Actually, I'm sure that it just rolls itself; in my mind medicine balls have a little attitude in them as well a million pounds of iron. Oh, there I go again with the random off-shoots.

And there's the focus problem. Ok, so I thought that once I stopped craving food all the time that the rest would just fall into place. Eating right, exercising, the whole healthy life package. That kicking the craving would be the hardest part but, what insight I have on this now!

Second, I didn't get here like I thought I would. I explained in my first blog how I came to this place in my life: how God made me a promise that He would take the food addiction away, so I agreed, put my faith in Him, and then TRIED TO DO IT MYSELF. 

Oh, how conceited I am! So it occurred to me in the beginning of January that I no longer had food cravings - which is a pretty big deal since that was what I was most concerned with, hence the name "ConstanceCraving". So, why take so long to mention it when I should be shouting it from the rooftops? 

Because *I* didn't do it. 

See, I have this tiny little problem that gets in the way with.. everything... and it's called pride. The day that I realized that I didn't have any cravings, (not a one!) I immediately realized that it had been that way for a while, pretty much since God said He'd do it. I also had this idea that I needed to find a way to spin that to make it sound more like I did it; that somehow it would be more encouraging to have this great big struggle where I wrestled with myself hour by hour until finally I could say *I* did it myself, so other people could relate and do the same. 

It was lunch with a girlfriend that gave me the big 'D'oh!' moment. We get together regularly to catch up and she was telling me about something that had happened to her that gave her the realization that she was trying to take credit for something that God had done for her. Immediately I felt the bottom fall out of my stomach and my heart wrench, because that was what I've been trying to do for a month-consciously. 

So, here it is, the nutshell of how I conquered my food cravings: I gave it to God. Seriously, truthfully, and humbly I admit that it wasn't anything I did other than that. The great thing is that He took it (like He said He would) and that if I gave up anything else, He'd take that too. 

It hurts my heart that I have forgotten so quickly what God has saved me from. I had a problem with alcohol for far too long. One night, in utter despair for what things I had said and done in an alcohol stupor, I asked him to take that from me. It's been 4 years (or 5?) and not a single moment of my time since has been spent on it since. That was a pretty big deal for me, yet forgotten when I needed another "favor" from God. 

Would He deliver? What if He didn't? What if He did, but I disappointed Him by choosing to pick it up again? Ugh. The 'what if's' will kill you.. which is how I know that they're not of God. 

Here's the deal: there isn't a single part of my life that my heavenly father isn't intimately aware of - in advance. Like-He knows if I'm about to come across an unavoidable plate of brownies, or if there's a car around the corner with an inattentive driver who has crossed the center lane (bigger story-another time). He knows all about me, so who better to put in control? Best part? He knows what a broken person I have been, currently am, and am going to be- and yet loves me anyway. 

Five years ago I felt like such a terrible person who has done such terrible things that no one -if they knew them all- could ever love me, even my husband. Then, I found Psalm 139. In case you don't know it by heart, here's a link to what it says: PSALM 139 and I've added some personal insight to what it has revealed to me.

I had to share that because, it really got me by some emotional times from questioning my worth based on my actions- and if I wanted to know more about GOD would He even be interested because I had done some pretty heinous things. Like, really bad. I think we could have a blog just about people remembering how I had hurt or insulted them, done them wrong emotionally or physically, or just generally disregarded their feelings. Despite that, I think that Psalms 139 was penned thousands of years ago just for me. 

Ok, so what in the world does that have to do with my food cravings? Everything. It takes the one person who knows me best to know how to keep me out of trouble, with food and without. I don't want to sound like a broken record but I'm now realizing the depth of what God has had to orchestrate to make me un-want custard considering I've got an Andy's basically in my back yard. :)

I'm still over 200# and trying to eat better at every meal but there is one thing that I'm still missing in this scenario that I feel ready to tackle now: Excercise!

I'm trying HOT YOGA this week. I'm sure that I'll have some interesting something happen and btw- I'm sure I'll get all gross and sweaty, and basically I'm afraid of slipping off my mat or pulling something. 

Wish me luck guys and gals!

Psalm 139

Five years ago I felt like such a terrible person who has done such terrible things that no one -if they knew them all- could ever love me, even my husband. Then, I found Psalm 139. In case you don't know it by heart, here's what it says: 

139:1-6Oh LORD, You have searched me and known me.You know when I sit down and when I rise up;Your scrutinize my path and my lying down,You understand my thought from afar.and you are intimately acquainted with all my ways.Even before there is a word on my tongue,Behold, O LORD, You know it all.You have enclosed me behind and before,and laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, it is too high; I cannot attain to it. 

To quote my Aunt D: So far in this Psalm we've covered how "there ain't nuthin' He don't know about you".

So, maybe there's somewhere you can hide from Him what He wouldn't be to happy about...

Where can I go from Your Spirit?Or where can I flee from Your presence?If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol behold You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, Even there Your hand will lead me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night", Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to you

Nope, I guess that covers the "nowhere to run"

Why God?! Why do you have this devotion to "ME"?

139:13-16For you formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mothers womb.I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;Wonderful are Your works,And my soul knows it very well.My frame was not hidden from You,When I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book are all written The days that were ordained for meWhen as yet there was not one of them.

Oh, I'm beginning to see now. I'm YOUR child. You're every thought is bent onto me and You're keeping Holy Scrapbooks filled with my baby pictures and the big moments.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.When I awake, I am still with You.

Mastering Popcorn

This was originally the New Years day post. I'm a little late publishing it. 

I've been doing really great this past month being mindful of what I eat, when I eat and how much.  I didn't mean to stay up to ring in the new year.  I certainly didn't mean to wolf down a ton of popcorn either, but *accidents happen*. What’s a ton you ask? Um, it’s about half the size of a Tupperware Mega Thatsa Bowl, or 16 cups. 

When I woke up on new year’s morning, I felt *terrible*. Genuinely sick; throbbing headache, nausea and honestly- if I hadn't been stone cold sober for 4 years, I’d think I was hung over.  I felt like an after school special cautioning against binging… which I had done, but not with alcohol. I knew immediately it was the popcorn causing such a physical reaction. 

I wonder how many times I felt that way after a night of binging on food that I didn't give it another thought? Well, I certainly noticed it now.  I looked and felt terrible. I think I may have been a little green.

Genesis 4:7 If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and it’s desire is for you, but you must master it.

How that speaks to me: I equate sin in this passage to mean the delicious Chinese food that is ridiculous inexpensive just a few streets over. There's a fantastic Gyro/Pizza/Hot dog restaurant at the end of our street, and about a block closer is the ANDYS FROZEN CUSTARD.  Yeah, it sure does seem like sin is crouching at the door, with delicious pot stickers,  bread sticks and other foods of joy ... they desire ME!  That's why I'm being pelted with all these unhealthy food choices... So, I guess I move?

Boy, would I love to master my cravings.  I do well for a week, weeks, and half a week, but then it's back to the same old thing.  Usually. I have been able to stay on that wagon since around Thanksgiving, so I didn't do any of the holiday eating/snacking I would have in previous years. There's not a lot of difference in my weight, but oh, what's been happening in my mind. 

I finally figured out a few things about myself that comes in handy to battle cravings:

1. I learned that I get hungry when I stay up too late. No, let me rephrase that- the signal my body gives me when I’m tired feels like hunger, but it isn't hunger.  The problem is when I fill the ‘sleep deprived’ hole with popcorn, it never fills up, because it doesn't want food, it wants sleep. So I keep eating and eating and I’m never satisfied. I know that food and sleep aids don’t mix. 
2. I learned that sugar is something I can live without. *GASP* 
3. I have a handy tracking sheet (I don't know where I got it but I can scan it and post it here I think) that tells you "if you're craving ___ you are really wanting ___" . It's been helpful. Here's a link to it: Control Craving Link

How do you master a food craving? 

**Disclaimer** There are certain things that you should see a doctor if you are craving: pennies, paper, dirt… while not food, these are real cravings (not yet experienced by me) that indicate that a mineral deficiency in your body. So get that checked out. 

2013- Are YOU looking at ME?

Here's a snapshot of a post I wrote, but didn't "publish" to the public, and it made me laugh. So, even though it's not technically on topic I'm still posting it now. Because it made me laugh. I hope it does the same for you.

Dec 31st, 2012 11:30 pm.
In a short 30 minutes it will be 2013, and a brand new year.

Tabula Rasa, a clean slate, return to coda, whatever: it's almost upon us. It's time for my Regrets/Resolutions series, this is part 1 of 1.

Regrets for 2012:
Obviously, gaining 30 lbs was regrettable
Deciding to remodel the bathroom ourselves- very bad move
Everything about 15.dollarstore.com
Breaking Dawn


Resolutions for 2013:
General:  Build better relationships with everyone around me.  I might survey them to find out what level of friendship they are comfortable with, and a corresponding list of activities they wish to do together, and then work to meet that level of friendship.  Cause there's nothing like a friend survey to kick off the new year.
Specific: Get to a spot that I don't obsess over food (eating it, not eating it, pretending that I'm not thinking about eating it) and find some sort of exercise/sports (ha!) that I enjoy.

That's about it for this blog! Have a great New Year! (And a not so subtle picture of March in his camo. Poor thing, forgot his hat.)

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So that's what I almost posted on NYE... So guys and gals, tell me about your Regrets/Resolutions!